a) At Lynch Park we sat and drank wine coolers, and I think you threw up. At that age, it was easy to throw up. If you throw up from wine coolers nowadays, you’re considered a pussy.
b) We got this woman fired one day. She was out of line, and out of hand, so we had her fired. I am a fucking pussy, but I looked her right in the eye and said to her, well I said some shit that you normally wouldn’t say. I fucking told her some shit.
c) Annette Funicello walks into my fantasy and asks where the nearest Starbucks is. I tell her I loved her in “that one you did with the black guy and Don Rickles”
d) Children, being eaten by a gigantic woman with no eyes.
e) Imagine beating someone to death while wearing one of those tuxedo t-shirts?
f) “Wow that woman looks like one of my daughter’s friends, but if she was on Xanax”
g) He was so scared of her, he asked her best friend to dance to the Bob Seger song instead.
h) She got a text message that just read “Sheila needs tht $40 u owe her”
i) On Friday nights she would cry Mike’s Hard Lemonade flavored tears into her lonely bowl of lentil soup.
j) He would always give her the parsley off his plate. Three years later she jumped out of a window and landed on a white BMW with the license plate “SPOYLED”
k) “That might have been the best harmonica solo I’ve ever heard in my life, and I’m only twenty”
l) He would tell me war stories about how drunk he was this one time, who he fucked, how awesome life was. He never told me if my sister was still alive.
m) He bought a drink for her and her friend. When he got home that night he did crossword puzzles into the next morning.
n) “Hi Candice, did I happen to leave my dignity in your car last night?”
- o) The first time you heard Shoot to Thrill by AC/DC
p) The guy in the Hawaiian shirt just showed up and apparently is ready to “fuck anything with two legs”
q) The guitar solo from “Hold on Loosely” by .38 Special
r) Oh man we ate some serious pussy back then. Then of course Craig had to move away.
s) “Did you used to work at Panera Bread?”
t) Side three of The Song Remains the Same soundtrack
u) “She practically invented abortions”
v) Adolf Hitler, completely covered in blood, feathers and smashed up little shards of Sarah Palin’s copy of Morrison Hotel on CD.
w) “Oh hey man…no, it’s Mike”
x) “I heard you knew a lot about music”
y) The first time I was truly scared it wasn’t going to work out between us is when we had that fight over soup in that Mexican restaurant in LA